Sep
24
Questions From Your Girlfriend That Aren’t Really Questions
September 24, 2007 | Leave a Comment
You know the feeling: things seem to be going well with your significant other. The sex is great, the moments without sex are mildly tolerable, and she hasn’t once gotten angry at you for ejaculating onto her favorite blouse. But then, of course, the questions begin. Those horrible, mind-numbing, soul-crushing questions that aren’t really questions at all. We at DV have compiled a list of these, along with exactly how you’re supposed to react to them.
“How do I look?”
What it really means: “Tell me I am attractive. Now.”
If there’s one thing human beings cannot stand, it’s the truth – and women are no exception. If your girlfriend walked out of the bathroom with her panties around her neck, mud rubbed in her hair and torn spandex pants, she’d still ask you how she looked and expect a complimentary response. In a way, she’s almost being generous – the boyfriend is given an easy excuse to earn brownie points by sycophantically praising his girlfriend’s physical attributes. Whether or not the boyfriend is lying through his teeth is irrelevant to the girlfriend.
How to deal with it:
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.
These theatrics may seem unnecessary or silly, but one must realize that a simple “you look great” will result in nothing more than an argument and a likely denial of sex for the next 24 hours. If a woman deems it necessary to ask you how she looks, then she’s obviously spent some degree of effort on her appearance, and wants to be rewarded with an unusually positive reaction to it.
“Do you think she’s pretty?”
What it really means: “Prove to me you aren’t attracted to other women.”
Typically asked in reference to a female celebrity or supermodel, your woman is feeling insecure about the fact that many, many women on the planet are most likely more attractive than her. She needs you to show that “mainstream” attractive women hold no interest for you, because otherwise she cannot consider herself the most attractive woman in your life – if the whole of society agrees that they’d cut off four fingers if it meant they’d get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, then your stated lack of attraction toward her means that you find your girlfriend more doable than Lara Croft herself.
It’s complicated, but can be summarized like this:
-Everybody thinks Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous.
-If you think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then that also means you think Scarlett Johansson is more attractive than your girlfriend, thus making your girlfriend feel less special than Scarlett Johansson.
-If your girlfriend thinks you don’t think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then your girlfriend can continue to operate under the assumption that she is the most gorgeous woman in your life and that you are lucky to have her.
How to deal with it:
There are a dozen ways to handle this question, most of them pretty straightforward (“No” is the shortest and easier to remember), but this question presents a fantastic chance to subtly show your girlfriend how much you really care about her.
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
“Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?”
“Well, she’s got sort of a nice body, but she doesn’t have your eyes.”
“I wasn’t asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she’s pretty.”
“I don’t understand. I just told you she wasn’t pretty — she doesn’t have your eyes.”
She’ll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she’ll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.
“Where do you want to go tonight?”
Where do you want to go tonight?
What are you thinking?
How was your day?
Don’t our married friends seem happy?
Do you love me?
Do you wan tto try new things?
Find the answers to these questions and more…
Tags: women, what women want, relationships, kinky, sexual experimentation
Sep
10
Welcome to Gossip Dude
September 10, 2007 | Leave a Comment
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